Thanksgiving was a low key affair with two of my favorite peoples. Although, it was unlike any Thanksgiving I've ever experienced before.
I'm used to lots of loud familial bantering.
Food that stretches into meals for many days after.
The knowing that everything is right and where it should be. Everyone is where they should be.
But it wasn't. And they weren't.
This was the first holiday spent without mom.
It was definitely quieter than usual. My brother couldn't make it up until Christmas. So my dad and sister and I went out to eat for a subdued but completely enjoyable Thanksgiving repast followed by a memorable evening hanging out and watching movies.
And yet...it's been six weeks to the day and life still seems surreal and not quite right.
Not right because it's us without her.
Something still seems off. And to be honest...life seems less bright for me. Shades of grey where once was brilliance in color.
I don't know if it will always feel like this. But I feel it acutely right now. And as the holiday season continues on and then departs, I'm sure it will persist in being here.
I'm kind of at a loss as to know what to do. How I should be feeling? I know as Christians we don't mourn as the world does–for we know we shall see our loved ones again.
But we still mourn. There is still an irrevocable loss.
A gaping hole on the garment that once was whole and right and complete.
So now something new must take shape that will look like–what life will look like–from now on.
And what holidays, birthdays, and special milestones will look like. From day to day. Events that can't be shared. Minus one of the central figures of my existence thus far.
It seems unfair. I wonder why does the rest of my life have to be written without her? Why me? Why my family?
Someone whom I trust completely and depend on with my whole life, deemed it be so. Deemed it be right. So I know, deep down, it must be.
I'm adhering to this belief–to this faith, for dear life.
"Keep going..." I hear this still small voice. A whisper breathed into my ear and heart.
"Just keep putting one foot forward in front of the other. And trust Me."
So simple, and yet... To do so feels akin to a tremendous feat.
But this is what I am desperately trying to do. Today. Whilst gripping a mug and my Bible. Dark Chocolate Cocoa and Country Peach Tea in steady supply.
Prayer, vital. Encouragement from friends and family, indispensable.
Onward friends. We must keep moving forward...
And thanks for letting me be transparent with you.