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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Low Key Affair


Thanksgiving was a low key affair with two of my favorite peoples. Although, it was unlike any Thanksgiving I've ever experienced before.

I'm used to lots of loud familial bantering. 

Food that stretches into meals for many days after.  

The knowing that everything is right and where it should be. Everyone is where they should be.

But it wasn't. And they weren't. 

Not really.

This was the first holiday spent without mom.

It was definitely quieter than usual. My brother couldn't make it up until Christmas. So my dad and sister and I went out to eat for a subdued but completely enjoyable Thanksgiving repast followed by a memorable evening hanging out and watching movies.

And yet...it's been six weeks to the day and life still seems surreal and not quite right. 

Not right because it's us without her. 
 
Something still seems off. And to be honest...life seems less bright for me. Shades of grey where once was brilliance in color. 

I don't know if it will always feel like this. But I feel it acutely right now. And as the holiday season continues on and then departs, I'm sure it will persist in being here. 

I'm kind of at a loss as to know what to do. How I should be feeling? I know as Christians we don't mourn as the world does–for we know we shall see our loved ones again. 

But we still mourn. There is still an irrevocable loss. 

A gaping hole on the garment that once was whole and right and complete.


So now something new must take shape that will look like–what life will look like–from now on. 

Altogether different. 

And what holidays, birthdays, and special milestones will look like. From day to day. Events that can't be shared. Minus one of the central figures of my existence thus far.
It seems unfair. I wonder why does the rest of my life have to be written without her? Why me? Why my family?

And yet...

Someone whom I trust completely and depend on with my whole life, deemed it be so. Deemed it be right. So I know, deep down, it must be.

I'm adhering to this belief–to this faith, for dear life.

"Keep going..." I hear this still small voice. A whisper breathed into my ear and heart.
 
"Just keep putting one foot forward in front of the other. And trust Me."

 So simple, and yet... To do so feels akin to a tremendous feat.

But this is what I am desperately trying to do. Today. Whilst gripping a mug and my Bible. Dark Chocolate Cocoa and Country Peach Tea in steady supply. 

Prayer, vital. Encouragement from friends and family, indispensable.  
Onward friends. We must keep moving forward...

And thanks for letting me be transparent with you.



9 comments:

  1. I have been wondering how things have been going with you...

    I wish I had words to say, or that I could be there in person to drink cocoa with you and offer a shoulder upon which you could rest your head.

    But I can't.

    So instead I will offer the only thing I can: I will pray. I will lift you up to the One who sees all you are feeling and who understands it better than anyone else ever could. The One who loves and cares for you and will never remove His arms from around you.

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  2. @ SarahJean: Thank you girly so much :)) Hugs!

    @Chronicler: I wish you could be here too, we would have a lovely time I know it but I will gladly accept your prayers in lieu of you :)) They are powerful and much appreciated. Thank you.

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  3. Oh Nene. I'm at a loss for words for I know that none can fill that gaping hole but I do know that His love can and will over time-but not completely because she is not here. Keep drawing closer to Him and keep knowing that one day we'll see her again and it will be grander than we can imagine. love you muchly

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  4. My dear, I couldn't write you anything so far, not because I didn't think to you but because I feel too much your heart and I felt to keep absolute silance like a deepest way to express my compassion. From this silance you know that I pray for you...

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  5. @Nonnie: I will continue to draw near to the Lord, you are so right. He is so faithful and true to His word. I am staying encouraged in this. Thank you for your words of wisdom the other day. They really confirmed things for me :) So glad God gave me you in my life :) Love you.

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  6. Gentiana: Multumesc foarte mult. I am so glad you found me on here!

    And I appreciate your words. I know you are praying and sunteti sunt o binecuvântare. I miss you and I am still so very happy that you were able to spend time with us all in the end. Multă iubire to you! God Bless sister :)

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  7. I'm following you now from 20sb. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. My dad died two years ago when I was 27 and it's totally rotten. Now that my grandpa is gone our traditions are no more, whatsoever. It's just my mom, sister and I now. So we're doing things totally different and it's hard, so hard! One thing that helped me is coming to grips with the fact that there will never again be normal, but rather we need to create a new normal. Hang in there!

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  8. @Laura: Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your losses as well. What you said strikes a deep chord with me: creating a new normal. It's so weird, strange, surreal, even to have to do so. But do so, we must. We can't go back. But thank God, we don't have to go forward by ourselves.

    I pray that you and your mom and sister will make new and precious memories and traditions as you journey onward. And I pray the peace and comfort of God on you this holiday season.

    Blessings and thank you for stopping by and encouraging me today :)

    Jeanine

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